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Weight Lifting

My job shut down for the week between Christmas and New Years and we had the unusual circumstance of no family around, so I had the gift of quiet space this holiday.  I had to acknowledge to myself during this time just how disconnected I've been from my camera lately.  I have felt and known this for some time, but it was really the first time I have allowed myself to say it out loud. 

My camera weighs five hundred pounds.

I can barely lift it.

This makes me feel panicky.

What happens if I don't shoot?  What if I can never pick it up again?  What if I forget how to shoot?  What if I forget how to see?

I considered committing myself to another 365 project just so I have to shoot, but then I thought of the long list of other photography-related projects I have half-conceived.  I realized that a 365, with its comfortable rhythms, might just be a distraction from pushing through the fear I have about starting some new and different things.

I went outside a lot.  I breathed in the cold air.  I stretched, warmed up my muscles and picked up the heavy camera, determined to make a few images.  I did some things I am comfortable doing, and I tried some things I have never done before. 

It is the new year, and I am a beginner again. 

Reader Comments (4)

Corinna - oh, yes, the camera can be SO heavy. It's amazing really how freaking heavy it can be. (Even when you use a point-and-shoot.) When you feel that you have already taken your last good photo. But I think you've got it the solution - to become a beginner again. I so look forward to seeing what projects are brewing inside you.

January 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBrenda

I think you were speaking the words that have been on my heart as of muse seems to have left me. She's a fleeting creature that one! I have recently become more engaged with my photography mostly through Pinterest which has inspired me to take baby steps through a small 30 day challenge and my good friend and neighbor becoming my partner in crime and accompanying me on various challenges-ABC, 64 colors, etc. It helps when there's someone to hold you accountable but it's more satisfying when you do it just for you; maybe that's why it's so easy to let it fall by the wayside? After my first failed attempt at a 365 I am again after 2 years trying again, this time with word prompts in hand so as to not fall into a rut. I wish you the best in your ventures and I also look forward to seeing what you capture.

January 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJen L.

"I am a beginner again." There is something frightening and exciting about your words. I can definitely relate.

January 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMike

Yes, aren't we all beginners? Aren't we all endlessly practicing? Hope my beginning again looks as beautiful as yours. xoxo

January 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMeghan @ Life Refocused

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