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Entries in mood (3)


Coming Back

The snow gods have been unkind to our favorite mountain spots so far this winter, but Saturday brought our first few inches of the new year.  A few inches of snow is the difference between what's the point? and wheeeee!  A few inches of snow makes everything new again. 

Here the snow is too dry to even make a decent snowball.  Every single flake holds its distinct shape.  I was the first one on the cross-country trail yesterday morning, and the snow fluttered and parted around my skis as the sun broke through the morning clouds.  The snow is still too shallow to cover the remains of the summer grasses, and it's too light to weigh them down.  How much does a snowflake weigh?  I skied past a dead tree that fell last week.  Was there one snowflake that did the deed?  The tree just couldn't take the weight of one more snowflake?


I wonder if this is how moods work.  Life piles on, and you're strong, but one imperceptible thing you probably don't even notice gets added to the load and suddenly you're sinking under the weight of it. 


For a while now I've craved silence.  I've turned off the radio, except for the classical station occasionally.  I put all the CDs away.  The cacophony of kids over the holidays actually hurt.  I sit every morning and meditate in the dark, feasting on the quiet.

But I noticed this weekend that my ears are hungry.  I want headphones, and dancing around the house, and singing loud. 

This feels good.  This feels like coming back.


Internal Weather


When last weekend rolled around I made a list of all my intentions, which basically revolved around having a fun and relaxing time with Ezra and some other friends, and trying to find a sunny spot to curl up in for a little while. Seemed like a recipe for happy.

So I did everything on that list, and then I promptly fell into a deep, black hole on Sunday morning from which I am only now crawling out. The specific trigger was trivial and uninteresting, except to say that it put me in touch with a feeling of lack and a deep fear that this supposed lack would pin me in place, unable to move into this new space I've been dreaming up.

First of all, let me note here that I've been in a ridiculously good mood - a pinch-me kind of good mood - for at least two straight months now.  That may be a world record.  Who is happy for that long in a row?

But Sunday I felt kind of desperate, and completely unable to access the optimism or gratitude that has been fueling this happy little bubble where I've been living.  I really wanted to nap, but Ezra wouldn't play along. I took a hot bath while Ezra played with glitter glue on the bathroom floor.  Lots of deep breaths.  No relief.

Day 20: Struggling to access gratitude today. #needtoreboot #gratitudeprojectBut I've been trying to understand what this black hole can show me, and it loses its grip as I notice these two deep realizations:

1.  Nothing good or creative or abundant will come from being stuck in an emotional space ruled by obsession with scarcity.

2.  I used to be afraid to do something... Stopped by fear that I'm not good enough, or that I will fail, or, worse perhaps, that other people would see me fail. But now I'm noticing that what gets to me more is fear of not doing something, fear of being stuck in one place, fear of not being able to actualize some of the ideas in my head.

So while I'm busy measuring progress, I'll add these new learnings to the list.



175.365 50mm (plus 12mm mac tube) f7.1 1/160 ISO 200Yesterday was one of those days where I just felt heavy, even before I got out of bed.  Luckily it doesn't happen often because I would hate to drag myself through that kind of quicksand frequently.  A moody photo was the only one that fit.

This morning Ezra already insisted on curling up on the couch to read with me, and Will is playing guitar in the living room.  I think I'm off to a better start already.