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Entries in scarcity (2)


Where I've Been

There are days when I look and everything around me seems so fragile.  The dried veins of fallen leaves browning, crackling under my feet.  Everything changing rapidly and not for the easier.  This is the season, it seems, of white knuckling and holding on tight and praying please please please let me get through this one alright.  With any shred of grace, dear Universe, please and thank you please and thank you please and thank you.

Work is consuming in a way that is as predictable as the calendar, and yet here I am wondering how I will make it through and if past success is any guarantee of future performance.  Some of my most sacred relationships seem on the brink of disintegrating like the autumn leaves and I don't know how to stay present to that when running away or lashing out seem more satisfying.  This season of thanksgiving and richness leaves me feeling scared and humbled.

I have been gone from here partly because time has been scarce and partly because I couldn't think of anything nice, or at least well-put, to say.  This is a loss for me, this space sitting dormant, and more broadly the connections I share here and the satisfaction of putting words together in a way that pleases me.  I trust the path to my computer and this place will open again and I will find my way back.

In the meantime I give myself one gift, even though it doesn't always feel like one: I'm back to a picture a day.  I promised myself that I wouldn't put pressure to blog it, so you can find it here if you're so inclined.  In this season of scarce light and attention I try not to get hung up on the questions that plague me, like what do I shoot? and is that good enough? and can't you think of anything besides Ezra to take a picture of?  I hope that when this time of scarcity and transition passes I'll have more space to address these questions.  In the meantime, I shoot, and not always artfully.  But I know that owning this practice will ultimately help me move through this hard part.  If there is to be a shred of grace on the other side of this, I know the practice is what will help me maintain contact.


Internal Weather


When last weekend rolled around I made a list of all my intentions, which basically revolved around having a fun and relaxing time with Ezra and some other friends, and trying to find a sunny spot to curl up in for a little while. Seemed like a recipe for happy.

So I did everything on that list, and then I promptly fell into a deep, black hole on Sunday morning from which I am only now crawling out. The specific trigger was trivial and uninteresting, except to say that it put me in touch with a feeling of lack and a deep fear that this supposed lack would pin me in place, unable to move into this new space I've been dreaming up.

First of all, let me note here that I've been in a ridiculously good mood - a pinch-me kind of good mood - for at least two straight months now.  That may be a world record.  Who is happy for that long in a row?

But Sunday I felt kind of desperate, and completely unable to access the optimism or gratitude that has been fueling this happy little bubble where I've been living.  I really wanted to nap, but Ezra wouldn't play along. I took a hot bath while Ezra played with glitter glue on the bathroom floor.  Lots of deep breaths.  No relief.

Day 20: Struggling to access gratitude today. #needtoreboot #gratitudeprojectBut I've been trying to understand what this black hole can show me, and it loses its grip as I notice these two deep realizations:

1.  Nothing good or creative or abundant will come from being stuck in an emotional space ruled by obsession with scarcity.

2.  I used to be afraid to do something... Stopped by fear that I'm not good enough, or that I will fail, or, worse perhaps, that other people would see me fail. But now I'm noticing that what gets to me more is fear of not doing something, fear of being stuck in one place, fear of not being able to actualize some of the ideas in my head.

So while I'm busy measuring progress, I'll add these new learnings to the list.